I started this entry a few times since the beginning of 2020. Each time I felt as though I had a bonafide purpose, but after a few minutes, my mind would lose any thought I tucked away and the pathways in my brain would quickly hit a dead end.
The entry below began Jan 4th.
Clarity of mind that feels like cool, clear air saturating my lungs that stimulates my thoughts, dreams, energy and intentions. I can’t help but feel a confidence and joy exuding from within and smiling is just how my face naturally settles.
Yes, I will choose this. That sounds brilliant. Wrap that shit up and I’ll take it to go because I don’t want to ever forget or lose this feeling. Ever.
It’s pretty amazing what happens when we thoughtfully choose our words.. Words we speak and use in our internal dialogue are truly powerful. They create our reality, and in turn, how we feel and progress through an event. “I can’t” quickly manifests into reality if you say it enough, and by changing up our internal dialogue positively, can make a world of difference.
That is where I left off and am a bit startled how quickly the tides within can turn. I returned to this entry mid January in hopes of finding clarity in a very, very dark time for me mentally.
Here it is:
My Seasonal Affective Disorder has stuck its claws into me big time, rendering me close to useless. These are the times that remind me as to why I needed to leave MN over a year and a half ago. These are the days that I need to read my own words and believe that it will get better. Today I choose to put one foot in front of the other in order to not let my ailing mental health take me over. I choose to push forward and I choose to be the best that I can be today.
I find my internal dialogue constantly telling me I should do a gazillion things in order to feel alive, or to spark a feeling other than bleakness. I want to do things that provide a sense of happiness, but don’t. I can’t . It honestly feels monumentally taxing on every level to begin these wonderful ideas. I feel paralyzed.
That was the end of that entry, and aside from a couple of gatherings that provided moments of happiness, I continued making a daily effort to avoid being swallowed by quicksand that was moving quicker than one would care to experience.
Reflecting on the past months since returning to Mpls, I recognize that I was struggling to see myself in a different way, in a familiar place. I tried to be proactive with my S.A.D. and switched up a couple of things work wise. I started a PT retail job to be social and creative, and scheduled a training client every single morning in order to feel a sense of purpose and gratitude. I also worked in the evenings to avoid digging myself into a hole at home and succumb to the Yuck. My schedule may have changed, and I certainly have, but I really didn’t LOOK at myself or my dreams/goals differently in order to approach things in a different way. I tried, I pushed and I forced myself to DO things outside of my gerbil wheel and it got me nowhere except in a deeper and darker mental hole. I was doing the same ol’ same ‘ol, expecting different results. I would have seen that a mile away if it was someone else’s behavior, but damn self realization is arduous.
One day while I was avoiding all the things, I stumbled upon an Instagram post that intrigued me to actually click on their bio link (!) which led me to a posting that made me snap out of a cloudy headed mess.
“Things change big time, and they change because you are ready to start over. This is your rebirth, where you get a second chance at something, where you now have all this experience so that this time you ARE going to get it right.
You are making peace with how your role presents in the world as you open to a new path that supports you and allows you to unfold at your own rate, with no pressures from the external world saying it has to be a certain way.”
Earth Walk With KV
I am certain that you and I have read or rolled your eyes and those general thoughts in some way or another in the past, but the timing was right and it was shocking how deeply those words resonated with me. I was jolted in such a way that I felt a shift inside. Somehow I knew that I could let go of the expectations I gave into that were never my own in the first place. Perhaps this is the beginning of my surrender in order to accept my power. Perhaps I will stop saying perhaps and state that I am willing to accept my strength and commit to it once and for all.
Of course, the day after I read the entry above, I had the good fortune to have coffee with my dear friend I have known for over 22 years. Everything came out of my brain and mouth smoothly. I didn’t have to overly explain my random thoughts, or feel the need to back them up, not even the dreams I babbled about a million times over and over. There was no hesitation or need to filter my thoughts or feelings. We exchanged genuine love and support for one another with no agenda, and we were pure and present in the moment.
I honestly felt a ray of light cut through the yuck inside my brain that day, as if my sinuses cleared and I could finally take a deep breath. I finally felt heard. I finally felt understood.
Clear and crisp air entered my lungs once again.
Stripping off a hunk of my armor by trusting myself and being vulnerable made me realize how heavy that hunk of my bullshit is, and helped me remember how fucking strong I am. How strong WE are. We can accomplish/be/do all the things if we simply get out of our minds and our own way. It's an ongoing labor of love to trust ourselves and the powers that be, but you are so, so worth it.
Today I choose to stand proudly and au naturel, like it or not. Soak up the view, or look away, either way I'll be shining what my mama gave me, loud and proud.